Exam fever strikes on me
stressful day coming
mood swings happened
i wan to pass the deadful days as soon as possible!!!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
玻璃娃娃
最近外婆生病的事情让我醒悟了。原来我就是那么害怕失去一个人，从以往至今还是不变。。
这一次外婆生病让我知道再过不久我将永远失去她了，这是一个事实，也是一个我接受不了的事实。。
这件事让我害怕再失去任何一个人。妈妈最近生病了，而且挺严重，希望她赶快好起来。就连爸爸也投诉脊椎骨有点痛，这让我联想到外婆的脊椎骨有一个肿瘤。我真的很怕，真的很怕，我真的无法再失去一个人。我很爱他们，但我能做的就是叫他们赶快去看医生。。我真的很无助，但有有谁能了解我的心情呢？
外婆，爸爸妈妈，就连我自己的健康问题都已让我很困扰了。从小身体就不是很强，常常这里痛那里痛，我连骨科都看过了，最近因头痛症再次复发而差点被妈妈拉去看脑科(其实我只是很容易头痛罢了，不时有病，不要被吓倒）很像在看连续剧吧，就连我也意想不到。。。
最近又不知为何她变成这样。为什么会变成这样？？我们做错了什么吗？还是我做错了什么吗？好好的友情为何会演变成这样？是因为不同班吗？这是一个借口！！我中一时一个人孤苦伶仃在另一班，全部人都不认识。那时候思想未成熟，更需要朋友，但我都能熬过来了，为何你不能？中二终三都不是和你们坐，为的就是成全你们双双对对，我也能熬过来了。为何你又不能呢？当中，我是最了解你的心情，因为我是过来人，但你有事情时却不告诉我，你有把我当作是朋友吗？
朋友，是互相扶持，互相安慰的，因责任而关心朋友的人不是知己。当琦告诉我你常关心我是因为责任，因为我的一句话：‘我很信任你’ 而让你有义务来关心我。我听后心情真的很低落，原来你没用心来对待过我。。我开始自嘲了
朋友是需要主动的。只靠单方面的主动根本不会响。每次下课，只要我们是得空，我和亭都会尝试找你。但你呢？你有找过我们吗？就是因为不同班，我们4个更珍惜你和我们之间的友情，但你却放弃了，是因为琳的事件让你失去了信心吗？我不知道，只有你知道。你什么事都不曾告诉我们，没有人知道你在想什么。你的姐姐和她的朋友不同班都还能那么要好，没和你不能呢？
从上个星期起，我就发现你对我很很很冷淡。星期四会议后在食堂见到你，问你吃了没，你都没什么反应。同一天，我去far, 跟你说话，你也没有应我。每次补完化学后我和你说再见，你也没有回应。昨天国文补习时问你要不要去饥饿30，你也没回我。前天sms 你问你发生了什么事，你也没应。但第二天倩告诉我你有reply她的msg，今天补完习后又sms你，你还是不回我。你有想过我的感受吗？我根本一点都不好受！！！你又知道吗。。
今天真得让我觉得很心寒，无论是友情，还是亲人的健康。亭称我为玻璃娃娃，或许我是吧。当我最无助，在哭时想找你谈天，你却不理我。我只想找一个我依赖惯的人谈天，难道有那么难吗？或许你真的很忙吧。但我只想一切恢复从前，你还是那个让我诉苦，让我依赖，一起颠，一起玩的人，虽然我知道已经没有可能了，因为一切都是我一手推掉，破坏的，怨不了谁，要怪就怪自己的任性，不成熟，笨蛋。
几个星期前才答应自己要坚强，不要再那么轻易哭，但我还是失败了。。。
一切一切都能回到从前吗？
Surprisingly I typed in Chinese. I duno how to express well in both eng n Chinese, bt I still chosen Chinese to write out all the feeling. I hope everything can bac to the right track, to the same routine, to the past..i really hope for it…bt can I get tat??? I duwan to lose anyone anymur…I love u all, I reli do love you all…wat shud I do…I will have psychiatrically disturbed soon!!! :(
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
i wan to write, bt im fatigue...
i wan to tell sumone, bt i duno who can i tell
everyone is away from me now...
i jz hope to hv sumone for me to express, for me to cry, is tat so hard??
i loss the one i hv
i loss the one i trust
i lose to myself...
my target:
dun ever bothered bout all tat anymur
meaningless n useless
study hard wil be my right choice
i wont bliff sumone who told me she will nt study bt then she is studying in skul n im so idiotly follwed wat she say
i wan to be myself back
i wan to hv recess wif bai
i duwan to bother bout those jrs, bt can i?
i wan to do wateva i wan
i duwan 2nd tsunami to strike on my bday,if nt i will hate tat day foreva...
i wan everything i shud be granted wif
i wan to tell sumone, bt i duno who can i tell
everyone is away from me now...
i jz hope to hv sumone for me to express, for me to cry, is tat so hard??
i loss the one i hv
i loss the one i trust
i lose to myself...
my target:
dun ever bothered bout all tat anymur
meaningless n useless
study hard wil be my right choice
i wont bliff sumone who told me she will nt study bt then she is studying in skul n im so idiotly follwed wat she say
i wan to be myself back
i wan to hv recess wif bai
i duwan to bother bout those jrs, bt can i?
i wan to do wateva i wan
i duwan 2nd tsunami to strike on my bday,if nt i will hate tat day foreva...
i wan everything i shud be granted wif
Monday, April 6, 2009
Depression week
It has been such a long time since i last updated my blog. i hv alot to write, but i coulnt find a time to write it..aikz
ok, well, i will jz roughly write down wat happen in the past 1 week. it depressed me alot.
the saturday 2 weeks b4(28/3) bac to taiping for qing ming festival after the 'power chef' comp. so glas we enter the next round for laz saturday, bt then we lose it laz sat(4/3). actually its gd to lose it too, cz it was damn boring at there, they r nt testing on the cookery skill, bt on the decorative mind, omg, im totally poor on it. well, bac to the topic. bac to qing ming, so skip tui. on the next day which means sunday go for qing ming, n then i told my dad i wan to play truant for monday. so we no nid to rush bac by tat day. bt then sumthing bad strike on us. mum received a call from aunt, say that grandma is quite ill. so we rush to mainlandin the evening. yea, grandma was reli ill, she couldnt walk, coulnt eat, couldnt urinate, n keep on yelling for pain. at last i noe wat had happened to her after heard the conversation between my aunt n my parents.
grandma has a stone in the gall bladder, n tumour in liver n it's cancerous. my mind was totally blank at tat time. i duno wat shud i say. i saw my mum crying after she received the call from my aunt in taiping. after visit grandma in 3rd aunt's hse, we went to 1st aunt's hse to say overnite. in the midnite, mum received a call again, 3rd aunt calling. she said grandma was suffereing from pain, n she need to be emitted to hospital immediately. so they went off n im still half sleeping, duno wat is going on until i woke up in the next day. mum was alr nt at home, she n my 1st aunt accompanied my grandma in hosp. after preparing myself, we went to penang's hospital. the time we reached there grandma was having ct scan, so we jz waited outside. after grandma went bac to the wad, she vomit, n its a lot. i saw her having glucose intravenour diffusion through the vein in her hand, looked pale. after tat, around 2 sumthing, we went bac to kl cz im still schooling on the next day.
a guilt was alwaz raging inside me whenever i did sumthing. on wed went to celebrate peiting's bday in jusco kfc. whenever i was laughing, i will think of my grandma illness. she was so sick in the hosp, bt then i was laughing here n there, im such a dump. i barely could take tis feeling, it is torturing me. on thursday i went for duty pulak. under the sun for so long, sunburn, leg pain, backbone n shoulder aso prickling painful. after duty still rush to tuition altho we were alr late for 45 mins. actually i do not wish to go, bt then all of them wan to go, n im the one who nid to send them there, so jz go.
laz week grandma's report aso has been revealed, is liver cancer n it's alr 4th stage. omg, im in a shock. i noe mum was very sad actually, n she couldnt sleep nowadays n is quite weak. im reli worried by my mum. after dad explained everything to me, i noe tis is wat life called. everyone nid to face tis, bt hopefully it was nt in a painful path. wat i can do now was jz pray hard for my grandma.
yesterday went bac to mainland n visit my grandma again. she can talk, bt couldnt eat n walk n she was strengthless. so today i was absent to skul again. actually its ok for nt going to skul cz i do not wish to go to skul anyway. it is a waste of time. i saw all my aunties bcum very tired, esp 3rd aunt, she has weeks of sleepless night cz nid to take care of grandma. i reli hope grandma can recover..i hope all these din happen at all... :(
jz now went to acc tuition, then heard of sumthing, hope tat it is nt true. if it is true, i wil lnever trust tat person anymur.........
ok, well, i will jz roughly write down wat happen in the past 1 week. it depressed me alot.
the saturday 2 weeks b4(28/3) bac to taiping for qing ming festival after the 'power chef' comp. so glas we enter the next round for laz saturday, bt then we lose it laz sat(4/3). actually its gd to lose it too, cz it was damn boring at there, they r nt testing on the cookery skill, bt on the decorative mind, omg, im totally poor on it. well, bac to the topic. bac to qing ming, so skip tui. on the next day which means sunday go for qing ming, n then i told my dad i wan to play truant for monday. so we no nid to rush bac by tat day. bt then sumthing bad strike on us. mum received a call from aunt, say that grandma is quite ill. so we rush to mainlandin the evening. yea, grandma was reli ill, she couldnt walk, coulnt eat, couldnt urinate, n keep on yelling for pain. at last i noe wat had happened to her after heard the conversation between my aunt n my parents.
grandma has a stone in the gall bladder, n tumour in liver n it's cancerous. my mind was totally blank at tat time. i duno wat shud i say. i saw my mum crying after she received the call from my aunt in taiping. after visit grandma in 3rd aunt's hse, we went to 1st aunt's hse to say overnite. in the midnite, mum received a call again, 3rd aunt calling. she said grandma was suffereing from pain, n she need to be emitted to hospital immediately. so they went off n im still half sleeping, duno wat is going on until i woke up in the next day. mum was alr nt at home, she n my 1st aunt accompanied my grandma in hosp. after preparing myself, we went to penang's hospital. the time we reached there grandma was having ct scan, so we jz waited outside. after grandma went bac to the wad, she vomit, n its a lot. i saw her having glucose intravenour diffusion through the vein in her hand, looked pale. after tat, around 2 sumthing, we went bac to kl cz im still schooling on the next day.
a guilt was alwaz raging inside me whenever i did sumthing. on wed went to celebrate peiting's bday in jusco kfc. whenever i was laughing, i will think of my grandma illness. she was so sick in the hosp, bt then i was laughing here n there, im such a dump. i barely could take tis feeling, it is torturing me. on thursday i went for duty pulak. under the sun for so long, sunburn, leg pain, backbone n shoulder aso prickling painful. after duty still rush to tuition altho we were alr late for 45 mins. actually i do not wish to go, bt then all of them wan to go, n im the one who nid to send them there, so jz go.
laz week grandma's report aso has been revealed, is liver cancer n it's alr 4th stage. omg, im in a shock. i noe mum was very sad actually, n she couldnt sleep nowadays n is quite weak. im reli worried by my mum. after dad explained everything to me, i noe tis is wat life called. everyone nid to face tis, bt hopefully it was nt in a painful path. wat i can do now was jz pray hard for my grandma.
yesterday went bac to mainland n visit my grandma again. she can talk, bt couldnt eat n walk n she was strengthless. so today i was absent to skul again. actually its ok for nt going to skul cz i do not wish to go to skul anyway. it is a waste of time. i saw all my aunties bcum very tired, esp 3rd aunt, she has weeks of sleepless night cz nid to take care of grandma. i reli hope grandma can recover..i hope all these din happen at all... :(
jz now went to acc tuition, then heard of sumthing, hope tat it is nt true. if it is true, i wil lnever trust tat person anymur.........
Thursday, March 26, 2009
decison
Should i apply for ASEAN scholarships?
can i really manage to deal with that?
do i have time to study all over about A-level's maths in facts im still half way learning high schools's add maths
do i really have time for it???
what is my best choice???
*crossing fingers*
can i really manage to deal with that?
do i have time to study all over about A-level's maths in facts im still half way learning high schools's add maths
do i really have time for it???
what is my best choice???
*crossing fingers*
Saturday, March 21, 2009
18/3
today going to hv a great surprise for qi. actually her bday falls on 19th, bt then on tat day, sum members of our gang cant make it, so we make it on 18th. anyway, its quite fun too. ok, well, the story begins lyk tis. bai, tiang n qian came to my house, n we cook together. we prepare spagetti, mushroom soup, bacon, sausages..tiang make a carrot cake a day b4 n so am i, i make pudding...its a great day act, cz its the first time to c 3 of them who duno cooking help me to cook, fried n so on..tat was the sincerity towards fren, they hv show it out by tis way..n they help to wash up all the plates n cutlery too, proud of them..muackzzz. then we go to qi's hse. she is sleeping at tat time.n the pose when she is sleeping is vr laughable, we hv taken sum photos of tat too...haha. then the surprise begins when she awake...haha. then we hv our home made lunch. then we took plenty of ss photos in her room n balcony. all those photos are posted in facebook, i lazy to post it here. a great day for 5 of us. 1 more thing, im glad tat we hv chosen the right choice of nt doing tat..give me five, yeah
19/3
another celebration for qi n a surprise for khing yuan. bt then , the surprise has revealed by those guys of their carelessness, anyway, its fun too. 5 girls n 5 boys, having steamboat+bbq at hong fook steamboat restaurant, sumwhere around carefour. bt then i nt reli lyk tat place when saw alot of negro lingering around, n i heard ru say they r fighting over there. omg...bt then we still enjoy our food as usual, its delicious..yummy yummy. then about 10 sumthing, i call my parents n told them no nid to fetch me as im going to min zhuo's hse which is at fortune park. bt then i've cheated my mum tat gt parents send us there...ohh, reli sorry. bt the journey to his hse is quite a disaster for me. a lot of negro there, walking everywhere, forming a group here n there. n im wearing skirt, omg. im so scared n afraid at tat time actually. i walk swiftly until we r safely reached at his hse. n im so hot at tat time for the long distance walk...lack of exercise..haha..around 11.30, all of us go bac n her bday jz passed lyk tis in a jovial mood..
today going to hv a great surprise for qi. actually her bday falls on 19th, bt then on tat day, sum members of our gang cant make it, so we make it on 18th. anyway, its quite fun too. ok, well, the story begins lyk tis. bai, tiang n qian came to my house, n we cook together. we prepare spagetti, mushroom soup, bacon, sausages..tiang make a carrot cake a day b4 n so am i, i make pudding...its a great day act, cz its the first time to c 3 of them who duno cooking help me to cook, fried n so on..tat was the sincerity towards fren, they hv show it out by tis way..n they help to wash up all the plates n cutlery too, proud of them..muackzzz. then we go to qi's hse. she is sleeping at tat time.n the pose when she is sleeping is vr laughable, we hv taken sum photos of tat too...haha. then the surprise begins when she awake...haha. then we hv our home made lunch. then we took plenty of ss photos in her room n balcony. all those photos are posted in facebook, i lazy to post it here. a great day for 5 of us. 1 more thing, im glad tat we hv chosen the right choice of nt doing tat..give me five, yeah
19/3
another celebration for qi n a surprise for khing yuan. bt then , the surprise has revealed by those guys of their carelessness, anyway, its fun too. 5 girls n 5 boys, having steamboat+bbq at hong fook steamboat restaurant, sumwhere around carefour. bt then i nt reli lyk tat place when saw alot of negro lingering around, n i heard ru say they r fighting over there. omg...bt then we still enjoy our food as usual, its delicious..yummy yummy. then about 10 sumthing, i call my parents n told them no nid to fetch me as im going to min zhuo's hse which is at fortune park. bt then i've cheated my mum tat gt parents send us there...ohh, reli sorry. bt the journey to his hse is quite a disaster for me. a lot of negro there, walking everywhere, forming a group here n there. n im wearing skirt, omg. im so scared n afraid at tat time actually. i walk swiftly until we r safely reached at his hse. n im so hot at tat time for the long distance walk...lack of exercise..haha..around 11.30, all of us go bac n her bday jz passed lyk tis in a jovial mood..
Sunday, March 15, 2009
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