My current feeling- =(

I really do not hope to post it here, but this blog has been my secret chamber that no one could really find out about my feelings. In facebook, i do hope to post some status which are related to my feelings, my moods, when i'm happy and when i'm not. Yet it will not be a safe place for me to post anymore as my parents, sisters, uncles, cousins are all using fb, i don't wish to let them to have even a slight chance to look into my inner secret. I'm always being a cheerful and joyous one in front of them, i do not wish to crush their impression towards me. Today i am really unhappy, if not i would not be writing here until i really couldn't bear it in heart anymore. There's no one for me to talk about, and i don't know whom can i look for. Today i went to 1U with families, and watch a movie which is absolutely not interesting. I just criticize it to my dad but i get a scold from him, because this is the movie he wanted to watch, so he couldn't tolerate with anyone who is criticizing it. and this really ruined my mood after all. And when i told him i'm going out tomorrow to celebrate my friends birthday, he started to nag me again. He said what my friends all are so rich, those who are poor definitely will not be joining us, and keep on nagging and asking me not to be so spendthrift. I'm not ok!! I don't even get money from u all when i'm going out with my friends, i spend on budget and i know when to spend and vice versa. Don't always look at me or harbour me in that way. It is not a good feeling but the other way round, it causes me heartache.

Another matter, i think i'm getting more and more timid to voice out to u. I can really feel that u are bs-ing with what i said in the way u type to me. I am just too frighten to tell u my opinion. What should i do?

Pls, i just hope to be strong and tough, be independent, not to be always influenced by others. Do not always care or feel sad with someone or treating someone so good yet they might already forgotten me. Like what my friend told me, i should accept the fact and go on with my own life. I should really live my life to the fullest without being affected by others. I really hope i can do these all by my own, but for now, i don't think i could =[

I'm feeling much more better after pouring everything out right here...

Blues

Loneliness creeps in =(...do i have true friends who will walk with me throughout my life? T.T

It has been almost a year that i do not post any new blog..
It is time to clean off all the spiderwebs in this blog...i not really want to write something, but im afraid if i din pour all my feelings over here, im going to explode

Blues mood~
So many things have occurred recently until i couldnt take it. Most of the problems stem from friendship. It seems incredible to believe that friends whom u thought u understand them well or they really treat u with their sincere heart do not go in the way as what i've expected. Few years of friendship is so fragile. It is until that very day wherein i know about the truth on how they spectate me as a person who reacts in that particular way. Few years of friendship because of a trivial matter, I have become the one to be blamed, to be criticized...how hurt is that....Cant u guys take a neutral stand before u judge us. cant u look at all the evidences or be frank to us before u hurt us. yea, it's sad and hurt, undoubtedly, especially the one i thought all the time to be my best male friend do the same thing to us....seriously, i have lost trust on u, i duno what am i suppose to expect from u...

I think im the one who is not easily remembered by other people..even the new friends. Most people will find her to ask for something, to look for something or to chat with. but im nothing. i know i shouldnt compare these with her, but i really couldnt stop myself from thinking. It's quite hurt to being ignored by others =(
a heartwrentching event happened today, i know u wont purposely do that to me, but seriously, u dont know how i feel..u duno what im keeping inside myself

I hope this semester will end as soon as possible, and i wan to flee from this kind of life to somewhere that can settle down my lil mind. I shouldnt care about all the heartrending matters on hand

bad luck

Im tired, im truly tired of it...finding all the alternatives to settle my smd,bt it doesnt run smooth. wat tiang told me today during phy was another bad news to me..am i so unlucky throughout tis year..perhaps

a person who did nt do anything wrong, bt hv tis implication. i did nt bring any barang larangan to school, bt let those prefects fitnah me tat i brought 5.n when they write down yr name, they dont even notify me..wth r them. u guys make me hv bad consequences tat i need to suffer from...25 marks n mr lim onli allow me to redeem 20 marks, now i hv to sek sei mao for the 5 marks, n bcoz of the 5 marks, i have to face a big problem.

another matter, i did nt go to skul for 1 day in march n april. n tats nt i wan to make it so.bt granma was seriously ill at tat time, can i dun go bac n leave her in penang. im her granddaughter, i hv the right to went bac n visit her..tis is wat we as the younger generation need to do. n july, absent cz im sick. tat time our country was seriously attacked by the h1n1. if i go to skul, then im going to pass all the disease to others. n mr lim announce in assembly tat for those who r sick, dun cum to skul. im jz doing my part.im nt cheating. bt no matter how, we cnt get the 10 marks for monthly attendance, it is so unfair to us.

im frus, really frus. tears is alwaz glistening in my eyes, n im jz trying to control it..y can i be so bad luck tis year, everything seems to be so diff for me to go thru, i have to undergo alot of obstacles tat make me feel very tired. sumtimes im wondering, mayb i shudnt transfer to tis skul, mayb it wil be more easy for me in menjalara, tat will nt ruin my future. the skul is nt helping us, they r putting us in troubles, our scholarships is gonna me a nil to me if i get a B in my cert...hopeless

i hate, hate, hate all tat...i even start to hate the skul.....bt i dun wish to make it lyk tis...pls, make it smooth for me, i duwan to lose my future n my hope...

i really cnt stop myself from thinking about tis matter, anyone can rescue me???

another awkward feelings

emotionally tired...
im wondering wat is going on nowadays
y everyone was facing problems?
love problems, frenship problems
y cant u all appreciate the final moments u all have in tis year, to be together, to be fun together
i really dont know wat to say n what to comment
u say we din concern bout u
bt i did asked u, n u jz ignored me, dont want to tell me
wat can i do after rejected by u for twice..
im human also u know, i hv my own limitations too
now i jz hope to be wif another bunch of friends...
maybe it will not be so tired
right,zhu?

its quite fun buzzing around wif xiao y
we created a nickname for them
shhh, its secret, don tell, wakaka
we all normal want go and watch harry potter together next week lor
haha
have better taste when u buy things tomoro a

防空洞。。无奈却防不到

好久没写了。。真的好久了
最近心情怪怪的,没有特别的事情发生在我身上，但感觉真的不怎么好
为何呢？
感触吧。。我想
我觉得很多我在守候的人从我身边溜走了
人在，但感觉不在了
我在渴望些什么吗？我不知道
我只觉得自己很怪，怪透了
变成一个我不认识的自己
我好像哭哦，我已经忍着不哭很久了，比我预料的坚强很多了
但我内心真的不是很舒服
我形容不出，我从来都没有的感觉
就像一个空洞
一个已被空掏的心
到底我是怎么了呢
我失去了动力
不想去学校，不想去补习，不想在家，什么都不想做
我到底能做些什么呢？
是因为大考快到了吗
我希望是因为这个原因
我觉得我和我的朋友拉开了距离
不再像以往那个没有朋友活不下去的瑛
我变了，我真的变了
一些很遗憾的回忆任在我脑海中
很对不起那些被我伤害过的人
为了保护自己而任性，伤害你们
真的很对不起
尤其是你
我没有想过我们的结局会如此的糟
让我至今都还不能原谅我自己
我很想回到从前，真的很想
现在变成我自食其果了
我一个又一个失去倾诉的对象了
是我自找的
想说，却不知找谁说


God, please help me get pass all these
i'm really suffereing here, dont know what was happening to myself.
i lose myself
and i wan to get bac my soul from somewhere else
please get it bac for me
I hope for those uneasy feeling to pass through someday...

a not very peaceful day

为什么所发生的一切都好像是我的错？

why everything that was happening right now seem to be my fault, im so speechless, soundless, voiceless. im just trying to make a better thing with the profit, i duwan to waste it. im doing things beneficial for u all. maybe u all hate it, then just ignore me, i dun care. u noe, wat u told under my forcing was so hurt...i din hv those irritating feeling towards the guy, im just asking 1 sentence bout the famine 30, after tat wat we talked was all about the page. when i jz sat there n duwan to bother anymur, doesnt mean tat im angry, i jz duwan to involve anymur.too many ppl in such a small project perhaps might ruin all you guys hard word, so i jz pull myself off from that. i knew u all will be talking behind me, good or bad, i dun care.

im holding back my tears, n i successfully did it..i promised to myself i wont be so sensitive anymore, alone is not terrified to me anymore. walking to bio lab by myself, tats fine. u talked to her rather than me, tats fine too. bt i hate ppl asked me to on9, bt on9 doing nth, in the end i was lyk a sapo on9ing, waiting , sacrified my nap, n in the end u off9 without informing me..wth man..
anyway, i wrote tis blog not for the sake of others, nt for anyone to read it n backstab me, i jz want to express. tats all. i will be in a good mood again..

ignore the world, and i believe i will be happy forever^^ n my class i could onli have fun my my buddies, bt i hope to have fun like other classes, taking lots lots of nice photos, wif many many nice pose 我能从他们身上得到一些我很想得到的快乐.they all have a simple life, simple thinking without caring wat the others think bout them.i love their photossss

my hols

2 weeks of holidays is gonna end soon...2 more days n i need to wake up at 6am, prepared myself to school n receive my freaking results. time creeps so fast ouhhh

Reflection on myself for this holidays..wat have i did during tis holidays???
firstly, of course nt touching any of the academic books..have already been suffered for 1 whole months, tis 2 weeks for sure is my relaxation timing..hahaha, i really relaxed mysellf alot in tis two weeks
i have read alot of storybooks...5 english n 2 chinese...it is so nice to read all those story, although some of it is 18sg la..haha...n now im going to hit one more of my target, upgrade my english storybook to 6, i left twilight, a book that was praised by everyone, even my malay teacher...aha..
during tis hols, i dun really watch any movie or drama, except cinderella 3 in the movie series n singapore xiao niang re(haven watch finish)..xiao niang re reflexs the life of baba n nyonya..for the drama n books that i have read, i found out something, it keep on twirling in my mind for these few days..why those who are in love with each other couldnt get together in the end??or another way, why those who love the another half bt tat person does not have even a tiny feeling wif them?? even in reality, i found out most of it happen like this..is it a curse?or is it a fate? duno, still nt old enough to interpret all this

well, i have went out with frenz 3 times during tis 2 weeks. 1st is the book fair, wif xuan. the 2nd is sunway pyramid, wif my whole bunch of buddies n the last to the curve + tesco with those member in charge of the carnival...it is quite fun to go out with different frenz bt not onli stick together with my own friends like last time...

during this 2 weeks , i seldom on9...not really have a lot of ppl for me to chat with, get bored with that...n i duno what to do when on9, so i jz appear off9 or maybe totally din on..all of them are playing games in facebook, bt i din try before..is it that fun??duno

my weekends are fully occupied in this 2 weeks or perhaps til the end of tis month..i have activity or vacation during the weekend..1st weekend of the holidays, back to taiping n penang(my hometown). 2nd week, went to cameron. 3rd week, means coming saturday n sunday, 2 days before school reopen, go back to taiping again. next saturday, carnival, at night go n find relative.sunday,father's day, maybe go n celebrate. n another week, hv its own activity to be done as well...ouchhh

i just baked a cake yesterday, blueberry cheese cake..erm, its is edible n of course taste nt bad..haha^^

what i have done in the past holidays... i means last year. i will go for a swim wif qi or jac...bt then tis year, i cant even go for swimming...wth...i wan to swim!!! i miss swimming..n i love swimming...

last but not least, my wish n my hope:
i duwan to go to school!!! i want to stay at home. i duwan to face the upcoming exams!!!